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i like boys with strong convictions
and convicts with perfect diction
underdogs with good intentions
amputees with stamp collections
plywood skinboards ride the ocean
salty noses suntan lotion
always seriously joking
and rambunctiously soft-spoken
i like boys that like their mothers
and i have a thing for brothers
but they always wait til we're under the covers
to say i'm sure glad we're not lovers
you're so nice and you're so smart
you're such a good friend i hafta break your heart
tell you that i love you then i'll tear your world apart
just pretend i didn't tear your world apart
Hahha. I love Juno. The movie. Please watch it, it makes me so happy. I hope it'll bring joy to you as well.
So this week, I'm going to start learning to be really good at traveling alone. I know that I can be alone when I'm in a comfortable place like school or home. But what about the real world? What about another country?
Where I'll be completely alone--a foreigner in a familiar land? To feel completely estranged with people who look just like you. A common side-effect of first generation immigrants and their children is not-belonging. I've come to accept it as a special characteristic that gives me an edge. I've learned to cherish my bilingualism here in the US and understood how others view me as an Chinese American. I really want to bridge that barrier in China as well. I want to be respected for my ideas and abilities, but also soak in as much as possible once I'm there.
This past week at home has been a bit of a struggle. I find myself distracted and a bit uneasy of the future. My family is still family. But oddly enough, things have really changed--forever. I notice myself becoming detached from their problems and complaints. It's not exactly a bad thing because I think I treat my parent more like how I treat my friends, with respect and understanding. I'm more rational and objective. I no longer expect them to mean the world to me, and I them. I'm also more forgiving of my parent's transgressions and minor mistakes. I don't take anything to heart as much.
However, I do find this time at home unnerving because again of the limbo-ness it creates. I'm frustrated with my lack of direction, drive, and convictions. I echoed my frustrations through unnecessary channels. Rather than demanding answers from within, I tried to rely on someone else to answer questions for me. That made me feel foolish the next morning. I think rather than trying to answer all of my questions at once, I need to take one thing at a time.
1) I will put aside my medical school application decision until I am back in the US on July 14th
2) I will not worry about my apartment (lack of one) until June. When decisions need to be made.
3) I will not think about boy(s) or relationships (lack of one) until further notice
4) I will only start thinking about my job in DC on the night of July 27th before my first day of work
Awesome. Got that out of the way. Onwards to bigger and better things. First of which is: I'd really like to spend this week being productive, seeing and catching up with high school friends. Really soaking in the feeling of graduation. What it means to be done with college, and how far we've come these past four years. Being able to hear different perspectives and compare experiences.
I plan to write as much as possible while I am in China, some online and some in a notebook. But eventually, I'd like for my thoughts and experiences to be written down somewhere. It's a little bit scary, but I'm sure I should make it out alive. Pray to God.
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| i hate it. i can't pretend that this isn't weird anymore. it's like i'm stuck in a place that i shouldn't be. i'm still here at duke, when all the goodbyes have been said, and all the celebratory services have ended, it just doesn't quite feel right to be here any longer. i miss my friends, but mostly i miss being a student. i hate this feeling of not belonging. and also, thinking about how many people I will never see again, and groups of friends that i will rarely get to see as a group is something that is very hard on me.
sitting here at bean traders, soaking it all in. i feel better. less anxious and confused. i also feel more of myself. i talked to kedar just now on aim and he was really sad as well. he misses me and loves me. i miss him and love him. he was sad to leave duke and scared about going to UMiami where he doesn't think he'll fit in. i hope they love him and appreciate him as much as i and the other kids at Duke did.
I'll be OK though. I'm glad that I won't be at home for very long. I'm such a busy body that it'll drive me insane to not have anything to do once I'm home. That was the end. The end of a great era of my life--where things were great. Where I was really really lucky to have so many things that others did not. My parents did a great thing by making sacrifices to allow me to attend Duke. And they were also incredibly supportive and trusting of my judgments during my time here.
This was rather cathartic. i feel a lot better now that i've written out my thoughts and fears. i think i'm ready to go to Washington DC now and start my job. But before then, I've got to kick some childhood obesity ass in China!!
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| Today I got all of my grades back for the semester. And therefore my college academic career is over. I think I did alright, in a very loose term of alright. I must admit that I am currently in one of the best times of my life, where everything feels incredibly exciting. And I'm completely right with God. I don't have a care or worry in the world. I know that God is near and He deserves all of the Glory that I can give to him.
In particular, let's have a run down--my friends. I cannot Thank God enough for the friends that He has given me. It was something that I prayed for, and it came true. I asked God to provide me with faithful and kind friends. Those that would truly contribute in my personal and professional growth. He has been faithful and He honored my prayers. I love my friends more so than I can completely fathom at this point. Because every time that I really stop and think about it, I am amazed at how incredible they are as individuals. How much they strive to be better people, and how capable and independent they are. Their unique goals and passions in life mirror mine in caliber, and I know that I am not unequally yoked with any of them.
Then there's the restoration of love in my life. I'm not in love. But I believe in it again. I asked God not too long ago for something that came out as a simple fun happy relationship that would help me get past the pain and hurt of losing a loved one. And again, He gave me that. I've restored hope in my own abilities to be the joyful, optimistic, giving, and strong-minded person that I've always been. It hasn't been easy-I must admit. There were times when I wanted to regress back into that scared, insecure, and dependent girl in a relationship. But I reminded myself constantly--shoulders back, chin up, eyes straight ahead, and never look back. I stopped worrying about the future. Made up my mind and stood by my values. I prayed for guidance and direction along the way. I also let myself be me. Completely and utterly me. Never stopping to question if it was what is expected or wanted of me. And so, maybe I am in love--in love with God, and in love with who I am now. (not to sound overly narcissistic) But I look back on my last couple of months, and I have to admit that I am so proud of who I've become. It has certainly been a long way.
Of course, I'm a little bit terrified at the road ahead, and the responsibilities that I'll have. The independence that I'll need to build in order to accomplish something worthwhile in China this summer. To really push myself to discover answers by asking the right questions. Please pray for me during my trip so that I may accomplish the work that God wants me to do. Then in the fall when I start my job at Deloitte. Again, I will need to rely on my resilience and commitment to excellence. I don't ever want to burn out. Or become disillusioned. I pray that I'll be completely invested and passionate about my work. I want to be able to excel in it as if it was the last thing I do on earth. But I also want to gain the skills necessary to achieve my ultimate career goals. I never want to lose sight of my future plans or my own values. Just like college, I want to really strive to surround myself with loyal and good people who will help me become a better person. I will not settle for mediocrity or complacency.
My hope for the future is that I will always be tied to Duke University somehow. I hope to return frequently and stay connected with the faculty and students that remain here. It is a place that will forever be like a midsummer night's dream. Full of fanciful creatures in blue, frolics in the night, and mindless talks of love. But it will be such a blissful dream to look back on because I will never regret my choices and decisions made here at Duke.
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| http://www.theinterviewwithgod.com/popup-frame.html
I dreamt that I had an interview with God.
What surprises you most about mankind?
God answered, that they get bored with childhood, they rush
to grow up and then long to be children again
That they lose their health to make money and lose their
money to restore their health
To learn that cannot make anyone love them. All they can do
is let yourself be loved.
To that it is not good to compare yourself to others
To learn to forgive by practicing forgiveness
Sometimes, I don't really understand this process. Because if I had to say exactly what I feel nowadays, here's how I would honestly break down the two. As a psychology major, I can confidently admit that my mind and my heart are in conflict. My mind, the rational organ has taught me that what my relationship with Peter did not work. For many reasons that I've already thought about over and over again. For example, I was unproductive. I allowed myself to get lost in it. I didn't invest in the other realms of my passions as much. I neglected my friends. Some of my best friends. I no longer strive for excellence and exert myself in other activities. I had a hard time thinking independently and being myself. I also allowed myself to be bullied by someone else's beliefs. I lost my self-respect and my self-confidence. I also got lazy and became resigned to things. I accepted mediocrity and settled for things. I allowed someone to treat me horribly at times and with that I devalued myself.
For so many reasons, I can now understand that it was a maturity issue. But for the entire relationship to be summed up as being we were both very immature and did not know what we wanted is too simplistic. I have a hard time accepting that. Mostly because my heart, the other organ- a current nemesis of mine, has trouble accepting it. My heart tells me that I have not stopped loving him. My heart aches at the thought of losing him forever. It pains when the smallest contact results in nothingness. And it hurts no matter what happens. When I don't see him, it hurts because my heart knows that it's slowly losing that ability to love. And when I do see him, my heart is reminded of how much it wants to love. I'm scared because I don't know if my heart will ever love anyone else. I don't know if it was meant to love anyone else. I cover it up now because my emotion are too much for me to handle. I don't dig deep to figure out what my heart is feeling. Even just now, as I'm writing about my heart, I start to cry again. I still lack the full control to speak about my feelings without actually feeling them. I can't help but hurt. I probably shouldn't dig up these painful emotions and maybe slowly my heart will just learn to not love him anymore. And then there will be nothing there.
I have to keep reminding myself that he doesn't deserve my love anymore. He doesn't deserve to be the recipient of what I feel for him. He doesn't get to hear my thoughts, my fears, my hopes and my dreams. He doesn't get to know what makes me whole or what makes me happy. Someone else will come along some day who deserves those things. But I have to have patience and realize that this in-between period is just as worthwhile as those beginnings and finishes. I have learn to push on forward and make the most of this time. When the world feels like it's passing me by and I'm stuck in slow motion to deal with this transition and this heartache on my own. No one can help me get through this but myself. I look forward to the day that I finish this process of falling out of love. But I don't want to rush through it only to get to the finish line and realize that I should've taken more time or learned more lessons. I want to get the most out of this and enjoy every single bit of it. I'll enjoy this heartache and take up the cross that I'm suppose to carry. I'll know exactly how it how it feels to be devastated, heartbroken, lonely, and confused. I'm not sure how God will use this but I think He has already done so much in my life and those around me. I feel like I've been more capable of reaching out to others and I've been able to touch so many more with this experience that I am incredibly grateful for everything that I'm going through.
I have to remember that. I've been blessed with the ability to touch other people's lives. And that is not something that should be taken lightly.
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There is a great amount of interest in this year's presidential elections,
as everybody seems to recognize that our next president has to be a lot
better than George Bush. The Democrats are riding high with two
groundbreaking candidates - a woman and an African-American - while the
conservative Republicans are in a quandary about their party's nod to a
quasi-liberal maverick, John McCain.
Each candidate is carefully pandering to a smorgasbord of special-interest
groups, ranging from gay, lesbian and transgender people to children of
illegal immigrants to working mothers to evangelical Christians.
There is one group no one has recognized, and it is the group that will
decide the election: the Angry White Man. The Angry White Man comes from all
economic backgrounds, from dirt-poor to filthy rich. He represents all
geographic areas in America, from urban sophisti cate to rural redneck, deep
South to mountain West, left Coast to Eastern Seaboard.
His common traits are that he isn't looking for anything from anyone - just
the promise to be able to make his own way on a level playing field. In many
cases, he is an independent businessman and employs several people. He pays
more than his share of taxes and works hard.
The victimhood syndrome buzzwords - "disenfranchised," "marginalized" and
"voiceless" - don't resonate with him. "Press 'one' for English" is a
curse-word to him. He's used to picking up the tab, whether it's the company
Christmas party, three sets of braces, three college educations or a
beautiful wedding.
He believes the Constitution is to be interpreted literally, not as a
"living document" open to the whims and vagaries of a panel of judges who
have never worked an honest day in their lives.
The Angry White Man owns firearms, and he's willing to pick up a gun to
defend his home and his country. He is willing to lay down his life to
defend the freedom and safety of others, and the thought of killing someone
who needs killing really doesn't bother him.
The Angry White Man is not a metrosexual, a homosexual or a victim. Nobody
like him drowned in Hurricane Katrina - he got his people together and got
the hell out, then went back in to rescue those too helpless and stupid to
help themselves, often as a police officer, a National Guard soldier or a
volunteer firefighter.
His last name and religion don't matter. His background might be Italian,
English, Polish, German, Slavic, Irish, or Russian, and he might have
Cherokee, Mexican, or Puerto Rican mixed in, but he considers himself a
white American.
He's a man's man, the kind of guy who likes to play poker, watch football,
hunt white-tailed deer, call turkeys, play golf, change his own oil and
build things. He coaches baseball, soccer and football teams and doesn't ask
for a penny. He's the kind of guy who c an put an addition on his house with
a couple of friends, drill an oil well, weld a new bumper for his truck,
design a factory and publish books. He can fill a train with 100,000 tons of
coal and get it to the power plant on time so that you keep the lights on
and never know what it took to flip that light switch.
Women either love him or hate him, but they know he's a man, not a dishrag.
If they're looking for someone to walk all over, they've got the wrong guy.
He stands up straight, opens doors for women and says "Yes, sir" and "No,
ma'am."
He might be a Republican and he might be a Democrat; he might be a
Libertarian or a Green. He knows that his wife is more emotional than
rational, and he guides the family in a rational manner.
He's not a racist, but he is annoyed and disappointed when people of certain
backgrounds exhibit behavior that typifies the worst stereotypes of their
race. He's willing to give everybody a fair chance if they work hard, play
by t he rules and learn English.
Most important, the Angry White Man is pissed off. When his job site becomes
flooded with illegal workers who don't pay taxes and his wages drop like a
stone, he gets righteously angry. When his job gets shipped overseas, and he
has to speak to some incomprehensible idiot in India for tech support, he
simmers. When Al Sharpton comes on TV, leading some rally for reparations
for slavery or some such nonsense, he bites his tongue and he remembers.
When a child gets charged with carrying a concealed weapon for mistakenly
bringing a penknife to school, he takes note of who the local idiots are in
education and law enforcement.
He also votes, and the Angry White Man loathes Hillary Clinton. Her voice
reminds him of a shovel scraping a rock. He recoils at the mere sight of her
on television. Her very image disgusts him, and he cannot fathom why anyone
would want her as their leader. It's not that she is a woman. It's that she
is who she is. It's the liberal victim groups she panders to, the "poor me"
attitude that she represents, her inability to give a straight answer to an
honest question, his tax dollars that she wants to give to people who refuse
to do anything for themselves.
There are many millions of Angry White Men. Four million Angry White Men are
members of the National Rifle Association, and all of them will vote against
Hillary Clinton, just as the great majority of them voted for George Bush.
He hopes that she will be the Democratic nominee for president in 2008, and
he will make sure that she gets beaten like a drum.
Jim Meister
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